So, blogspot...

Blogging is one of those things I only really seems to do when I am extremely bored, can sleep or depressed. I guess I generally tend to blog when something inspires me to write. I love to write, I may not be the best writer but, I like doing it. I first started blogging on myspace. I like or liked the blogging on myspace but, I eventually wanted to move on to better things. I have several domains and a web hosting account through godaddy.com I had a blog set up under my own dot com and updated it whenever I added something to my myspace blog. Eventually I let my hosting account expire and lost everything, i wold like to start my old blog back someday but, for now, this is all i will use, other than myspace of course. I have posted a few of my previous blogs here to blogspot just to get a little content up while I try to crank out more. So, I hope you like them and I appreciate all feedback. Hope I can keep em coming for a while.

Alaska, Whiskey And Dreams

I have been in Alaska now for over a month. One thing that I do have to say about Alaska is, it’s beautiful country. The mountains dotted with thousands upon thousands of Christmas trees, blanketed in snow, the smell of wood burning in the crisp, cold, air, as smoke slowly billows from the chimneys and hangs over the neighborhoods in the valley bellow, make you miss home a little less with every passing day.

After sitting in Anchorage for over a month I have just recently been able to go out on a job. I was supposed to be on a plane for 6:30pm for flight down to Homer on Friday evening. I waited at the apartment for a taxi until 6:15pm that never showed. I got lucky when someone else came into the apartment and I asked him to take me to the airport a.s.a.p. he gladly took me down to the airport although I knew I had already missed my flight. I walked over to the ticket counter and asked if I had missed my flight. Again I got lucky. My flight had been delayed as they were having some mechanical problems. The flight has been pushed back to 7:30pm. So this was awesome I had not missed the flight. And I had a little time to hang out in the airport. For some reason or another I love it when I have fairly long layovers in airports. I love to hang out in them. The smells of all the restraunts, bookstores, magazine stands, and clothing stores. I like watching people hurry to get to their terminals, the look of disappointment on their face when they have missed their flight, the happiness on their face when they pick up the relatives they have not seen in years. I like how they are always busy no matter what time of day or night it may be. I like the thought of where they are going or where they have been. Where are they from? Are they in town for business or for pleasure? Did a relative just pass away?

7:30pm rolls around and they make an announcement that the flight had been canceled and they were moving all of us to a 9:30pm flight. This was even better. I had yet even more time in the airport. When I arrived down in Homer it was slightly snowing. A co-worker picked me up at the airport and brought me over to the hotel. The hotel is a small, charming place like something out of a movie. We had to go into the lounge to get a room after hours. In the lounge it was karaoke night. The place was filled with locals who all knew one another as this is a small town. Everyone cheered as an old man gets up on stage obviously a little drink and wearing a cowboy shirt with the tassels on the back and down the arms and a cowboy hat. He starts singing some old song by Willie Nelson and, not to bad either. I get the key to the room and go to sleep.

I woke up early the next morning and walked over to the hotel restraunt. The restraunt has may stuffed animals on the walls as well as various animal pelts. One side was facing down the mountainside and had many large windows to look out of. I sat down in a seat right next to the window and ordered some breakfast. As I was sitting there I saw a Bald Eagle flying by and land in a tree. I was amazed at how big they are. I had seen them once before in captivity but they were nowhere near the size of this one. I looked like a Black Lab with a white head sitting in a tree. They are beautiful birds. When the waitress came over to the table I inquired about them and she said they are all over the place around here.

Sunday morning when I got off of work me and the other guy who was working the shift with me come back to the hotel and I went back to his room to sit around and bull shit for a while over whiskey. I threw down one after another and before I knew it I had maybe eight drinks or so within an hour and was pretty well fucked up. I walked back down to my room and passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

During the night I had a strange dream. I went to see an old friend from the past. I had not seen her in years. We sat around and talked for hours over drinks. She mentioned to me that she had a daughter now and quickly produced a picture. I took a look at the picture and this little girl was adorable, one of the cutest little girls I had ever seen. She looked strangely familiar though. It was bothersome how familiar she looked, as if I had seen this little girl before and just could not place her. Something about her eyes, her eyes really struck something in me. I told her the kid was cute, maybe the cutest I had ever seen. It was at this time she let out a cry, bursting into tears with somewhat of a huge beautiful smile on her face while saying “she’s your daughter mike”. I immediately knew what it was about those eyes. They were my eyes, no question about it, they were the eyes of my mother. She bore a striking resemblance of my mother at the same age. This was without a doubt my child. My mind started racing trying to count the years it had been since I had seen her. How old was this little girl? Was she ever going to tell me about her if I had not run into her and decided to hang out with her ? My eyes filled with tears, my heart with joy. I held her as tightly as I could and looked her in her eyes and said “ do you need any help? I want to be her father, I want to be here for the two of you.” We both stared into each other’s tear filled eyes and smiled.

I woke up, nervous, excited, and completely obsessing about this girl from my past. I was also somewhat pissed that I did not get to see how it all turned out. Why is it you never get to see the end of dreams? It’s like watching a really good movie and before you get to the end someone turns the T.V. off. Or like having really awesome sex and just before you have an orgasm someone just stops. It’s horrible. I do not know if this would be considered a dream or a nightmare. Yes I may have liked it however, she is all I am thinking about now. Her and the little girl with the hauntingly familiar face continue to torment my thoughts.

Descisions

Decisions. They can be hard to make. Once the decision has been made you are left with the question of whether or not you made the correct one. Often, the decisions come easily. Sometimes this is not so. You are left thinking whether you looked at all of the possibilities. Did you take everything into account? You wonder whether or not you were selfish in your actions. Can you live with the decisions you have made? Sometimes you have to go against what you feel in your heart is the right decision. In my opinion these are the hardest to make. Unfortunately not everything is black and white. Sometimes you have to take your feelings as well as the feelings of another into account. What will be the outcome of this decision? Even after the verdict you are left with questions. Maybe this will all be answered in time. Maybe you will be left with a lifetime of questions.

My favorite quote though I do not know who first spoke the words, " The only things you regret in life are the risks that you didn't take."

For years I have thought this to be true and tried to live my life in that way. But I am wondering whether or not this is what I truly believe. I guess in time I will know for, in time, we always do.

Cant Sleep

ts 6:30am. I cannot sleep. I have got too much on my mind right now. To sleep would be a great luxury. If I could sleep my mind would stop racing. Its a weird feeling when you cant sleep. You are the only one up in the house. You drive the streets and you are the only person around. You may cross paths with someone. Where are they going? Can they not sleep as well? Are they headed off to work? Its the nights when you cant sleep that you feel at your most vulnerable. You are lonely. All alone with nothing but your thoughts. You try to collect them and make sense of it all but, you cannot. Maybe you are lucky. Maybe you can make sense of it. Maybe staying up all night is just what you needed. Maybe you are like me. You cannot make sense of anything. You try and try but all you can do is question yourself. In the end all you are left with are more questions. Questions that you do not have the answers for. If you had the answers thre would be no questions at all. Your mind would be free to think about other things. However you can not. Delerium starts to set in and you a smoking and sucking down coffee trying to fight it. The caffine and nicotine accelerate your heart rate. You heart is pounding. Blood pumping. Mind racing faster and faster. You loose control of your thoughts. You loose control of your emotions. After some time you start to come to your senses. You are wide awake now. You feel as if you have slept all night. You feel focused. You try to collect your thoughts. You try to collect your emotions. Everything comes together. The neighbor starts to mow the lawn. Your friends are awake. You eat lunch with them. You converse about the thoughts you had that evening. All they can do is listen. They try to offer their advice. In the end they are of no help. You try to talk about other things but it does not work. You only have one thing on your mind. Your speech starts to slur. Your eyes bloodshot. Heart still pounding. Mind racing. You lay in bed. The gravity of it all sinks in. You emotions run wild again. You try to hold them back. Your tears irrigate your pillow. Your pillow still smells of her. You grasp it tightly. You cant believe you fell for it. You fall asleep. The nightmare begins.

Old Memories And a Lost Love

When I walked into Waffle House this morning there she was. I suddenly felt a change in my emotions, this girl, this waitress was almost a mirror image of her. I walked to my table, sat down, and she came over to take my order. She asked if I was feeling ok, I was a little flustered because she looked so much like her. I told her I was fine, just a little tired. She took my order and walked away.
As I crawled into bed I could not help but think about her. It was then, that all of the old memories, and the thought of a love lost, came crashing into me, without warning, as a tsunami into a third world country, wiping out everything that was once alive and happy. All through out the night I was tormented by the tidal memories of her, drifting in and out of sleep. The day we met, the moment we shared, discovering that we had so much in common, discovering one another and falling into love. Our first kiss, sitting in the back of her parents van heading off to her grandmothers house for dinner. Meeting each other in between classes and sneaking off in an alcove to kiss, before passing off a note and heading back to class. Walking home from school holding hand, asking her how her day was. Coaching youth hockey together. Spending the weekends with her at her parent's house. Going on road trips with her father. Working everyday during the summer side by side, clearing out trees to make way for the ice rink her family was building. Running off behind the large piles of burning trees to kiss and take a break from work. Painting the walls in the ice rink side by side, impatiently waiting for the ice to freeze. Laying the rubber mats throughout the building. The accomplishment we felt when we were finally able to step out onto the ice. Hanging pictures in the rink of the hockey and figure skating greats. Taking her into a storage closet where I showed her, her initials tattooed on my ankle. Watching her out on the ice all alone figure skating, how graceful she was, how beautiful. The day we were playing "hide and go seek" with her brother and, telling her I wanted to take a break from our relationship. Standing there as she was crying her eyes out, I must have looked so cold, not shedding a tear, showing no emotion, when it killed me to see that I had just broken her heart. My parents went out of town for the weekend not long after that. I went out to skate and took a bad fall, I had broken my wrist. I called the only person that I knew of, that would take me to the hospital, her mom. She came with her mom and they brought me to the hospital. She sat there with me waiting to see the doctor and held my hand while he reset the facture. When they dropped me back off at home that night, we kissed and did not speak much after that night.
As the months went by I started to miss her. I would pass her in the hall at school and we would exchange smiles. I kept tabs on her and what she was doing, who she was seeing. I did not really mean to but, all of my friends would always let me know what was going on with her. After a while I wanted to start seeing her again but, she was in a relationship, so I did not say a word and just left it alone. The first relationship she was in did not last very long. I still missed her and wanted to get back together but, she had already started seeing someone else. I took a job at the ice rink when it was finished. It was hard for me to be there being that I saw her and, her family every day. It was a job, and they asked for my help. I loved her and her family so much that I could not say no. I loved her family as much as I love my own, probably more. They treated me and treat me to this day, as one of their own. I missed them then as I did her, and to this day I still love and, miss them. The new guy she was seeing also started working at the ice rink. She seemed to be happy with him so I let her live. After a while I noticed that he was not treating her well at all. He would constantly make her cry or hurt her feelings for one reason or another. He would yell at her. It killed me inside. I still sat by and did not say a word. I was talking to her best friend one day and told her friend that I still loved her. I told her I wanted to get back together with her. I told her friend how it killed me to see him make her cry. I never yelled at her, I always treated her with respect, I never made her cry until the day I told her I wanted to take a break from our relationship. I told her how I hated seeing her getting yelled at by him and she should not be in that relationship. She told me that I should tell her she should not be in that relationship. She told me I should tell her she shouldn't be with someone who makes her feel the way he does. I told her that I was not going to say anything because I did not want it to look like I was telling her things to get them to break up. Yes, I loved her, yes I wanted to get back together with her but, I did not want to interfere with anything. Every day I died a little more inside. She stayed with him a couple more years and I eventually quit my job at the ice rink.
I did not talk to her at all after I quit my job at the ice rink. I was trying to get on with my life. I was trying to forget about her. I was trying to let the feelings fade. They never did. I was depressed every day. My parents thought I was on drugs and made me take a drug test. I was clean at the time. I started to drink every day. I would get a pint and drive around by myself alone with my thoughts and try to kill the memory of her. All the pills and alcohol never seemed to work. All they ever seemed to do was make it worse yet I went on like this for a few years.
When I graduated high school I joined the Navy. When I was in boot camp I wrote her letters most every day. It was then that I finally explained to her the way I felt about her and, how I wanted so badly to tell her that the guy she was seeing when I was working at the ice rink was bad for her. I told her how I wanted to get back together with her. She told me that every day, she wished I would say that I still loved her and, I wanted to get back together with her. When I read those words, my heart dropped. All of the depression all of the heartbreak, everything I had put myself through could have been avoided had I only spoken up. It made me think of my favorite quote. I am not sure who said it "The only things you regret in life, are the risks that you didn't take". We continued to correspond and she would send me pictures of herself which I would put up in my locker. When I got out of boot camp and got stationed in Pensacola, Florida I came home the first chance I got. I took her out to dinner and we talked. I wanted to get back together with her but I was too far away and she did not say anything but I got the feeling that she was seeing someone. I was still depressed of course but, I started to feel some closure. I returned to Florida and got a tattoo to cover up her initials. I still loved her and I thought about her everyday. A few years went by and I heard that she was pregnant. This of course sent me back into depression but not so bad. I also found out that she was getting married. The news of her getting married did not make me feel any better. Oddly enough after she was married it all started to slip away. The feelings weren't so strong anymore and my depression was almost non-existent. For the most part I was finally able to let go. I was free. The depression that had lasted for the past seven years had finally lifted.
I still love her of course. I am certain I always will. I look for her in every face I see. I cannot seem to love any one else. I cannot seem to love anyone as I love and have loved her. It has been ten years since our relationship ended and I have yet to find anyone that come close to comparing to her. I should not try to compare them all to her for they are all different. She has set the bar too high for any one to come close. Maybe I will find her again someday. Maybe I will not. Until then I am left only with the old memories of her and a lost love.

I often like to sit alone and think. I can sit here thinking, contemplating, about anything and everything for hours upon hours upon hours on end. Am I ever left with anything ? Am I ever left with any answers ? Do I feel as if I have learned anything after the long sleepless nights where all I can do is think and reflect on any one subject ? Why do I do it ? Why can I not stop my mind from racing ? I have tried many things, caffeine, nicotine, various barbiturates, good old THC and even a night with a long time friend alcohol. None of them seem to work. Sometimes all I can do is sit here for hours on end thinking waiting on sleep to come and take me. Theneven there it seems the madness does not stop. When sleep comes sometimes I end up with vivid dreams sometimes nightmares of the thoughts that have kept me up for hours. Most of my thoughts are not things that would give me nightmares, such things very seldom come to mind. Lately my thoughts have been more peaceful and thankfully a lot less depressing. I am not too sure why, come lately, I feel so much better. Is it because I am not cut off from the people I love the most for so long my friends ? I do not mean to say that I do not love my family. They will be missed when they are gone. That did not come out right. I have lived several different places and have had many of experiences who have made me the person I am today. In all the time I have spent away from home I have never missed my family. I cannot understand why. The people I miss the most when I am away however, are my friends. I hate to use the word because it has been the source of all of my pain but, I think it is because I truly love all of my friends. Ok so maybe that last statement was like uber emo. What is really wrong with being a little emotional every now and then any way?Back to the subject being home now for the past two months has had a significant change on me. I find it odd yet very interesting that the company I keep or maybe just actually having the company of others can change you so much or completely change the way you look at the world, the way you look at life. I am grateful for the having met the many people I have met in the last couple of months, and the people I have been able to get to know better. Some of these people I just want to sit and talk to for hours on end because I find them so interesting and I love to hear their views on everything. I am starting to find people and life much more beautiful than I ever have. I do not know why. I almost find it a little creepy yet, exciting at the same time. Maybe its because for the past two years I have been so secluded and have just had so much time to sit and think to myself and now I can actually go out every day and socialize. And get to know people better. There are some people that I just never want to stop talking to. People that I find so interesting so intriguing so brilliant that I want to know everything about them. I may like their views on life and everything in general. I just cannot explain the way I feel right now other than I feel more at peace with myself than I have ever felt before. All of this brings me to religion.
Religion is not something that I have. It is not something that I particularly like to talk about. Religion is one of the things I find myself thinking about a lot however. I personally do not believe in any higher being. I do not believe that anyone created us. I do not believe that there is anyone who is superior to us that rules us. I do not believe in God. I do not believe in Satan. I do not believe in Heaven. I do not believe in Hell. Will I ever believe in any form of religion ? I do not know. One reason why I do not like to talk to anyone about religion is I do not like anyone to tell me that I am wrong in my views upon religion. Do you know for a fact that I am wrong and you are right ? No. You do not. Do I know I am right ? No. I do not. If I am wrong someday I may have to face the consequences. I have never and will never try to convince anyone that my beliefs are correct. I also do not want anyone to try to convince me that there is in fact a God. Die hard religious fanatics have thought I am an evil son of a bitch. Some people think I just have a very logical belief. All I have to say is all you will get out of trying to convert me are some harsh words and a punch in the face. Part of me wants to say Fuck your God! but then again who am I to say it really. Do I know that there is not a God ? No.
Why do I have the beliefs that I do ? I may never know exactly why. I was raised catholic. I was forced to go to church every Sunday as I was growing up. I made my confirmation as all good catholic people do. Once I made my confirmation my parents said that I was an adult in the eyes of the church and it was up to me to go from then on. I have not set foot in a church since. Maybe I have the beliefs that I have because I was forced to go to church. This I do not know. But I can remember from an early age I did not buy into any of it. I remember thinking that the bible was like one big ass comic book where Jesus was the super hero. Why would someone as young as I was maybe eight at the time think something like that. Maybe it is because I have always been a strong believer in science. I do not however agree with the church of scientology or, not on everything at least. For one I do not think it is right to take out one nation under god out of the Pledge of Allegiance. That is how it has been, that is how it should stay. Do you have to believe in it ? No. But none the less it is our countrys heritage God damn it! You dont like it.move to fucking Canada! I do tend to be somewhat opinionated on certain things I do believe in the goodness the bible teaches as well as I agree with aspects of the Buddhist religion, Muslim religion, Hindu religion and many others. I do not understand sometimes why war have been fought over such things. And why war are still being fought over such things. Do not all of these religions try to teach peace for all of mankind ? Why cant we all just live for that alone ? Why do we need religion ? It seems sometimes as if religion has caused more trouble than it has saved us from. I can accept someone for who they are an treat them with the same kindness and respect that I would give anyone no matter what religion they are. Why cant everyone around the world do the same. Why do we need religion really ? Why is it so hard for people to find strength and peace within themselves without the help of religion ? Why do people need to find Jesus? Why do they need that belief the help them get over a death in the family, a tragic accident, an addiction ? Why can people not find it within themselves to be a stronger person a more peaceful person ? Why do they need religion to help them deal with the hardships of life. Why must there be someone, something, a God there ? I have fought through a few addictions along with years of depression without ever turning to God. Why cant everyone do the same ? I do not mock anyones religion or beliefs you believe what you believe and I believe what I believe. I dont understand why we actually need it. Maybe I do not understand it because I do not need it. I will never know the answer to this question. Will I ever know if there is a God? Maybe, maybe not. Will you ever know the answer to the question ? Will you ever know if there is a God? It would be nice to meet himor her someday if there is one. I have quite a few questions I would like to ask.