Old Memories And a Lost Love

When I walked into Waffle House this morning there she was. I suddenly felt a change in my emotions, this girl, this waitress was almost a mirror image of her. I walked to my table, sat down, and she came over to take my order. She asked if I was feeling ok, I was a little flustered because she looked so much like her. I told her I was fine, just a little tired. She took my order and walked away.
As I crawled into bed I could not help but think about her. It was then, that all of the old memories, and the thought of a love lost, came crashing into me, without warning, as a tsunami into a third world country, wiping out everything that was once alive and happy. All through out the night I was tormented by the tidal memories of her, drifting in and out of sleep. The day we met, the moment we shared, discovering that we had so much in common, discovering one another and falling into love. Our first kiss, sitting in the back of her parents van heading off to her grandmothers house for dinner. Meeting each other in between classes and sneaking off in an alcove to kiss, before passing off a note and heading back to class. Walking home from school holding hand, asking her how her day was. Coaching youth hockey together. Spending the weekends with her at her parent's house. Going on road trips with her father. Working everyday during the summer side by side, clearing out trees to make way for the ice rink her family was building. Running off behind the large piles of burning trees to kiss and take a break from work. Painting the walls in the ice rink side by side, impatiently waiting for the ice to freeze. Laying the rubber mats throughout the building. The accomplishment we felt when we were finally able to step out onto the ice. Hanging pictures in the rink of the hockey and figure skating greats. Taking her into a storage closet where I showed her, her initials tattooed on my ankle. Watching her out on the ice all alone figure skating, how graceful she was, how beautiful. The day we were playing "hide and go seek" with her brother and, telling her I wanted to take a break from our relationship. Standing there as she was crying her eyes out, I must have looked so cold, not shedding a tear, showing no emotion, when it killed me to see that I had just broken her heart. My parents went out of town for the weekend not long after that. I went out to skate and took a bad fall, I had broken my wrist. I called the only person that I knew of, that would take me to the hospital, her mom. She came with her mom and they brought me to the hospital. She sat there with me waiting to see the doctor and held my hand while he reset the facture. When they dropped me back off at home that night, we kissed and did not speak much after that night.
As the months went by I started to miss her. I would pass her in the hall at school and we would exchange smiles. I kept tabs on her and what she was doing, who she was seeing. I did not really mean to but, all of my friends would always let me know what was going on with her. After a while I wanted to start seeing her again but, she was in a relationship, so I did not say a word and just left it alone. The first relationship she was in did not last very long. I still missed her and wanted to get back together but, she had already started seeing someone else. I took a job at the ice rink when it was finished. It was hard for me to be there being that I saw her and, her family every day. It was a job, and they asked for my help. I loved her and her family so much that I could not say no. I loved her family as much as I love my own, probably more. They treated me and treat me to this day, as one of their own. I missed them then as I did her, and to this day I still love and, miss them. The new guy she was seeing also started working at the ice rink. She seemed to be happy with him so I let her live. After a while I noticed that he was not treating her well at all. He would constantly make her cry or hurt her feelings for one reason or another. He would yell at her. It killed me inside. I still sat by and did not say a word. I was talking to her best friend one day and told her friend that I still loved her. I told her I wanted to get back together with her. I told her friend how it killed me to see him make her cry. I never yelled at her, I always treated her with respect, I never made her cry until the day I told her I wanted to take a break from our relationship. I told her how I hated seeing her getting yelled at by him and she should not be in that relationship. She told me that I should tell her she should not be in that relationship. She told me I should tell her she shouldn't be with someone who makes her feel the way he does. I told her that I was not going to say anything because I did not want it to look like I was telling her things to get them to break up. Yes, I loved her, yes I wanted to get back together with her but, I did not want to interfere with anything. Every day I died a little more inside. She stayed with him a couple more years and I eventually quit my job at the ice rink.
I did not talk to her at all after I quit my job at the ice rink. I was trying to get on with my life. I was trying to forget about her. I was trying to let the feelings fade. They never did. I was depressed every day. My parents thought I was on drugs and made me take a drug test. I was clean at the time. I started to drink every day. I would get a pint and drive around by myself alone with my thoughts and try to kill the memory of her. All the pills and alcohol never seemed to work. All they ever seemed to do was make it worse yet I went on like this for a few years.
When I graduated high school I joined the Navy. When I was in boot camp I wrote her letters most every day. It was then that I finally explained to her the way I felt about her and, how I wanted so badly to tell her that the guy she was seeing when I was working at the ice rink was bad for her. I told her how I wanted to get back together with her. She told me that every day, she wished I would say that I still loved her and, I wanted to get back together with her. When I read those words, my heart dropped. All of the depression all of the heartbreak, everything I had put myself through could have been avoided had I only spoken up. It made me think of my favorite quote. I am not sure who said it "The only things you regret in life, are the risks that you didn't take". We continued to correspond and she would send me pictures of herself which I would put up in my locker. When I got out of boot camp and got stationed in Pensacola, Florida I came home the first chance I got. I took her out to dinner and we talked. I wanted to get back together with her but I was too far away and she did not say anything but I got the feeling that she was seeing someone. I was still depressed of course but, I started to feel some closure. I returned to Florida and got a tattoo to cover up her initials. I still loved her and I thought about her everyday. A few years went by and I heard that she was pregnant. This of course sent me back into depression but not so bad. I also found out that she was getting married. The news of her getting married did not make me feel any better. Oddly enough after she was married it all started to slip away. The feelings weren't so strong anymore and my depression was almost non-existent. For the most part I was finally able to let go. I was free. The depression that had lasted for the past seven years had finally lifted.
I still love her of course. I am certain I always will. I look for her in every face I see. I cannot seem to love any one else. I cannot seem to love anyone as I love and have loved her. It has been ten years since our relationship ended and I have yet to find anyone that come close to comparing to her. I should not try to compare them all to her for they are all different. She has set the bar too high for any one to come close. Maybe I will find her again someday. Maybe I will not. Until then I am left only with the old memories of her and a lost love.