I often like to sit alone and think. I can sit here thinking, contemplating, about anything and everything for hours upon hours upon hours on end. Am I ever left with anything ? Am I ever left with any answers ? Do I feel as if I have learned anything after the long sleepless nights where all I can do is think and reflect on any one subject ? Why do I do it ? Why can I not stop my mind from racing ? I have tried many things, caffeine, nicotine, various barbiturates, good old THC and even a night with a long time friend alcohol. None of them seem to work. Sometimes all I can do is sit here for hours on end thinking waiting on sleep to come and take me. Theneven there it seems the madness does not stop. When sleep comes sometimes I end up with vivid dreams sometimes nightmares of the thoughts that have kept me up for hours. Most of my thoughts are not things that would give me nightmares, such things very seldom come to mind. Lately my thoughts have been more peaceful and thankfully a lot less depressing. I am not too sure why, come lately, I feel so much better. Is it because I am not cut off from the people I love the most for so long my friends ? I do not mean to say that I do not love my family. They will be missed when they are gone. That did not come out right. I have lived several different places and have had many of experiences who have made me the person I am today. In all the time I have spent away from home I have never missed my family. I cannot understand why. The people I miss the most when I am away however, are my friends. I hate to use the word because it has been the source of all of my pain but, I think it is because I truly love all of my friends. Ok so maybe that last statement was like uber emo. What is really wrong with being a little emotional every now and then any way?Back to the subject being home now for the past two months has had a significant change on me. I find it odd yet very interesting that the company I keep or maybe just actually having the company of others can change you so much or completely change the way you look at the world, the way you look at life. I am grateful for the having met the many people I have met in the last couple of months, and the people I have been able to get to know better. Some of these people I just want to sit and talk to for hours on end because I find them so interesting and I love to hear their views on everything. I am starting to find people and life much more beautiful than I ever have. I do not know why. I almost find it a little creepy yet, exciting at the same time. Maybe its because for the past two years I have been so secluded and have just had so much time to sit and think to myself and now I can actually go out every day and socialize. And get to know people better. There are some people that I just never want to stop talking to. People that I find so interesting so intriguing so brilliant that I want to know everything about them. I may like their views on life and everything in general. I just cannot explain the way I feel right now other than I feel more at peace with myself than I have ever felt before. All of this brings me to religion.
Religion is not something that I have. It is not something that I particularly like to talk about. Religion is one of the things I find myself thinking about a lot however. I personally do not believe in any higher being. I do not believe that anyone created us. I do not believe that there is anyone who is superior to us that rules us. I do not believe in God. I do not believe in Satan. I do not believe in Heaven. I do not believe in Hell. Will I ever believe in any form of religion ? I do not know. One reason why I do not like to talk to anyone about religion is I do not like anyone to tell me that I am wrong in my views upon religion. Do you know for a fact that I am wrong and you are right ? No. You do not. Do I know I am right ? No. I do not. If I am wrong someday I may have to face the consequences. I have never and will never try to convince anyone that my beliefs are correct. I also do not want anyone to try to convince me that there is in fact a God. Die hard religious fanatics have thought I am an evil son of a bitch. Some people think I just have a very logical belief. All I have to say is all you will get out of trying to convert me are some harsh words and a punch in the face. Part of me wants to say Fuck your God! but then again who am I to say it really. Do I know that there is not a God ? No.
Why do I have the beliefs that I do ? I may never know exactly why. I was raised catholic. I was forced to go to church every Sunday as I was growing up. I made my confirmation as all good catholic people do. Once I made my confirmation my parents said that I was an adult in the eyes of the church and it was up to me to go from then on. I have not set foot in a church since. Maybe I have the beliefs that I have because I was forced to go to church. This I do not know. But I can remember from an early age I did not buy into any of it. I remember thinking that the bible was like one big ass comic book where Jesus was the super hero. Why would someone as young as I was maybe eight at the time think something like that. Maybe it is because I have always been a strong believer in science. I do not however agree with the church of scientology or, not on everything at least. For one I do not think it is right to take out one nation under god out of the Pledge of Allegiance. That is how it has been, that is how it should stay. Do you have to believe in it ? No. But none the less it is our countrys heritage God damn it! You dont like it.move to fucking Canada! I do tend to be somewhat opinionated on certain things I do believe in the goodness the bible teaches as well as I agree with aspects of the Buddhist religion, Muslim religion, Hindu religion and many others. I do not understand sometimes why war have been fought over such things. And why war are still being fought over such things. Do not all of these religions try to teach peace for all of mankind ? Why cant we all just live for that alone ? Why do we need religion ? It seems sometimes as if religion has caused more trouble than it has saved us from. I can accept someone for who they are an treat them with the same kindness and respect that I would give anyone no matter what religion they are. Why cant everyone around the world do the same. Why do we need religion really ? Why is it so hard for people to find strength and peace within themselves without the help of religion ? Why do people need to find Jesus? Why do they need that belief the help them get over a death in the family, a tragic accident, an addiction ? Why can people not find it within themselves to be a stronger person a more peaceful person ? Why do they need religion to help them deal with the hardships of life. Why must there be someone, something, a God there ? I have fought through a few addictions along with years of depression without ever turning to God. Why cant everyone do the same ? I do not mock anyones religion or beliefs you believe what you believe and I believe what I believe. I dont understand why we actually need it. Maybe I do not understand it because I do not need it. I will never know the answer to this question. Will I ever know if there is a God? Maybe, maybe not. Will you ever know the answer to the question ? Will you ever know if there is a God? It would be nice to meet himor her someday if there is one. I have quite a few questions I would like to ask.